So Easy It's Like Taking Candy From a Baby. (Then Making Chocolate Curls From It)
They don't sell packages of pre-made chocolate curls that you can buy and throw on top of your cake to make you look like a goddamned semi-ho-made cake boss...
I searched high and low, and by "low," we are talking some gangster-level, cash-only at the loading dock shit. I gave the girl at the bakery counter a hardcore Godfather look that apparently only translates in movies because she didn't understand that I wanted her to just scrape the curls off a cake in the case into an opaque to-go box and give it to me in exchange for $50 in cash.
So eventually I just said it out loud. "Could you just scrape the curls off a cake in the case into an opaque to-go box and give it to me in exchange for $50 in cash?"
"I'm sorry. I can't do that," she said with some sort of weird tone of dessert-preserving dignity.
(Now that I think about it, I could have just bought the whole cake. Duh.)
I resigned myself to actually making chocolate curls even though the idea of working with chocolate is more terrifying than babysitting my niece and nephew without my mom there. (I know, when I babysit, I need adult supervision.)
They weren't the best looking chocolate curls I've ever made, which doesn't say much because they were the only chocolate curls I've ever made, but they worked well enough to top a Tiramisu Ice Cream Cake that wasn't going to last long enough for careful inspection anyway. It wasn't that difficult to do, but my guess is to get from my rookie results to the professional grade shit, you need a lot more precision and patience.
chocolate chips + vegetable shortening
melted over very very low heat
melted chocolate poured onto large baking sheet
melted chocolate spread into thinnest layer possible
after freezer time, scraping with metal spatula
scraping chocolate with metal spatula
chocolate curls on top of cake
HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE CURLS
makes enough to cover the top of a 9-inch square cake
6 ounces semi-sweet chocolate (I used chocolate chips because I already had them, about 1½ cups)
1 tablespoon vegetable shortening (I used butter-flavor Crisco)
large metal baking sheet that fits in your freezer
wax or parchment paper
Over very very very low heat, melt chocolate with shortening in a small, heavy-bottomed pot. Stir occasionally until melted, about 10 minutes. Watch the chocolate the whole time. Burnt chocolate is disgusting.
Pour the melted chocolate onto a large baking sheet. Using a spatula, spread the chocolate into the thinnest layer possible. If you have too much chocolate, just scrape some back into the pot.
Place the baking sheet in the freezer for about 5 minutes or until the chocolate is "set," but obviously, not frozen. You can check by touching it or poking it.
Place the baking sheet on a flat work surface. "Push" the metal spatula into the chocolate and away from you to form curls. Without touching the chocolate curls too much with your bare hands (you will leave fingerprints or melt the chocolate curls), place on a sheet of wax or parchment paper.
If your room temperature is very warm, keep the curls in the refrigerator until ready to use.