Meat: A Love Story and The Man Who Ate the World: 10 Things that Make the "Perfect"

The Delicious Life Cookbook-A-Day Giveaway
Summer Weekend Reading Edition, no. 3

There is a game we sometimes play when first we meet someone for the, uh, first time. Under the pretense of "making conversation," you play the What Do You Find Attractive in the Opposite Sex? game. The first person takes a turn, listing a few characteristics that he finds "attractive." Some of them are personality traits like "funny" or "easy going." Some of them are physical attributes like "dark hair" or "delicate wrists." Some of the qualities are slightly modified because they are “tailored” to the person against whom he is playing.

Don't say you don't play this game. You do. You may call it something else, but we all know that Scrabble by any other game would spell as suite.

When it's your turn, you'll gently shift in your seat, exhale as your perfectly French manicured finger traces the curve of your bottom lip with smudge-proof expertise. "Hmm...I’ve never really thought about it much," you’ll coyly say. You don’t really think about specific qualities; you don't really have a “type,” you’ll purr with a mysterious smile, but it’s a ruse. It's a stall tactic because you’re buying time, analyzing him, strategizing, so you can pick and choose the right things to say. "I'm not quite sure," as if you've never laid on your stomach diagonally across your unmade bed with velcro rollers in your hair and an avocado mask on your face writing down #134 through #148 of your list of your Perfect Guy list in your Hello Pity diary with Toni Braxton playing on your iPod.

You don't do that. You're above that girlish silliness.

But not thirty seconds later, you're losing the game and "tall, dark and handsome" is spilling out of your mouth faster and dirtier than the Exxon Valdez.

Now before get I into why this game is stupid, leave a comment on this post to win either Meat, a Love Story: My Year in Search of the Perfect Meal or The Man Who Ate the World: In Search of the Perfect Dinner. Is it coincidence that both of these books have the words "search" and "perfect" in them? Is it coincidence that I am writing about what constitutes "The Perfect?"

Totally. Coincidence.

What you say in your comment in no way affects your chances of winning either book, but if you are so inclined, please feel free to share with others here on The Delicious Life who are total strangers to you, what makes the perfect guy/girl for you. I mean, who knows what could happen? One of you could read the other's idea of perfect, fit it perfectly, make contact, and The Delicious Life could be the start of your Happily Ever After. This giveaway post could be the place “where it all began” for you. An entire future montage of diamonds, longs walks on the beach, ivory silk and layers of tulle, white picket fences, Daddy diaper bags, Sunday night dinners, and sitting on the porch swing holding hands could start right here, right now, all because I am giving away Meat: A Love Story! (I really want to make a joke here, but I won't.)

I only ask that you name one of your children after me. The cutest one, please.

Now then.

The game is stupid. What Do You Find Attractive means you are revealing The Checklist - a list of characteristics, qualities, "bullet points on your life resume" if you will, that make up The Perfect - and we all know how I feel about The Checklist.

It’s stupid! The Checklist is stupid because it doesn’t exist, so I have no idea why I capitalize and call it “The Checklist,” as if it were real because it’s not.

I feel so much better now.

The point of this whole nonsensical Ade made of Tire is that I am going to reveal those things that I find opposite in the attractive sex, even after I have just so very adamantly proclaimed that 1) doing so is stupid and 2) doing so is stupid.

10 Things That Make You Perfect for Sarah

1. Smart. Not just smart like "I have my PhD in something awesome," but smaaaaart. But not smarter than me, because that's pretty tough to come by, and I don't want to narrow the pool so severely right off the bat.

2. Glasses. I love glasses. I love men in glasses. I don’t know why. I think the presence of glasses makes me think that the man might be smart (see #1 above). Or reads. Good Lord, the man actually *gasp!* reads!??! Like books?!?! Like enough that he ruined his eyes when he was 8 because he was reading books under the covers until 2 am with a flashlight just like me? I love him already.

3. Colgate Smile. Nothing will make me gasp harder and deeper than a smile with gorgeous, Dental School textbook straight, sparkling pearly white teeth surrounded by perfect, perfectly kissable lips. Oh God, it gives me the shivers in places I shouldn't shiver just thinking about it.

4. Tan. "Tan" is different from "dark complexion." Tan is an indication that he does things outside in the sunshine like sitting with me on the veranda overlooking the ocean on a Sunday afternoon, or grills on the patio in the backyard, or plays golf. However, if he' tan because he spent 90 Mystical seconds in a booth, I will laugh in his face.

5. Confidence that's almost arrogance. I like assholes. I know. It’s weird.

6. Con(versation) Artist. I love the back and forth of conversation - not simply information exchange, but rather the interaction itself. I love the guy who can sit across from me for three hours, talk about nothing and yet, still have it the conversation be meaningful because he challenged me, cut me down (nicely), didn't balk when four letter words came spewing out of my mouth, and wasn't afraid to give it back to me as hard and
fast as I gave it out.

7. Big Feet. It has absolutely nothing to do with the idea of “Big feet, all ___.” It has everything to do with how small feet are “dainty” and nothing about a man should ever - no, not ever - be “dainty.” Ew.

8. Southern or British Accent. Two totally different sounds, but either one makes me tremble. Other accents, not so much.

9. Passion. I have a deep, blinding passion for food, restaurants, and writing about them both. He too should have have a deep, blinding passion for something. It doesn't, in most cases, matter for what that passion is. It only matters that the passion is there.

10. Likes to eat. Naturally.

Of course, never in the history of Sarah have I ever dated, seen, gone out with, hung out with or whatever other stupid eHarmonious term with anyone who had any combination of five out of ten. Not even three. Hell, I'd have taken two.

Good luck with your comments.

tags :: food : and drink : american : restaurants : books : cookbooks : summer reading : travel : reviews : los angeles