Unless you’re lounging barefoot on a chaise in a cabana somewhere in The Keys wearing white pants and an unbuttoned linen shirt and your last name starts with H and rhymes with “lemming way,” you should not be drinking a mojito.
Yes, I do not love mojitos. Is it that obvious? It should be, but just in case it’s not, let me make it clear. I’m pretty sure I can say with a little bit of confidence that I sort of hate mojitos.
How clear, concise, and totally convincing!
There are basically three reasons why muddled mint and lime with rum and a splash of soda make me bristle.
1) Mint. Mint belongs nowhere except gum and mouthwash and maybe a flavored dental floss, but even in those, I am finding the new berry and citrus flavors much more suited to my taste. This means a mojito tastes like a Scope-tini with a splash of 7-up. That is disgusting. I won’t even bring up the fact that the mint leaves stay in the glass for a mojito, which means that you are a) drinking a salad and b) in danger of looking like you haven't brushed your teeth after grazing for three hours in a spinach field. Oops. There. I brought up the fact that mint leaves stay in the glass for a mojito.
2) “It.” This is a two-part point because I learned somewhere that it’s always best to argue with three points, and breaking it out would give my explanation four points and thus, weaken it and make it easier to forget.
- A mojito used to be the “It” drink – the cocktail that everyone has to order – but it isn’t “It” anymore. The fad has faded. The trend is over. Before you go out tonight and order a mojito, crimp your hair and squeeze into a baby blue terry cloth Juicy Couture tracksuit.
- When the mojito was the “It” drink, most people ordered and drank it, not because they truly liked it (see #1), but for the express reason that the mojito was the “It” drink. Just knowing about it, then drinking it, said “I’m classy.” Drinking a mojito doesn't say "I'm classy." Drinking a mojito says "I have halitosis." People who drink mojitos now are not only annoying, but they are behind annoying. If that makes sense.
3) Complicated. Flavors can grow on you. Fads are cyclical. The real problem with the mojito lies in its multi-step manufacture, and no concessions can be made for the most time- and energy-consuming cocktail to make.
One could argue that a daiquiri or a pina colada requires just as much effort as a mojito, but one wouldn’t be that stupid. Really, the difference between throwing ingredients into a blender then hitting “on” and the human labor required to muddle granulated sugar with mint and limes that are more than likely unripe and thereby hard, is exponential. When we take into account the number of times a guy in a Hawaiian shirt elbows his way to the bar and orders a pina colada (0) multiplied by the number of pina coladas he orders for his friends that can all be made at once in the same blender (0) versus the same variables for mojitos that have to be made one by one (839), the difference becomes logarithmic. I didn’t do well in math, so what I mean to say is “bigger.”
In other words, if you ever get stuck behind the guy ordering mojitos at the bar, you’re fuct. You will wait for a good 18 minutes and by the time you can finally squeeze up to the bar, the bartender will be both exhausted and pissed, so he will take his frustration out on the “soda” button for your weak little Citron and soda.
Now, given that I hate mojitos because 1) they’re minty, 2) they were pretentious and 3) they’re as effortless to make as a mint souffle in an EasyBake oven, it makes absolutely perfect sense that I not only made mojitos, but made a version that is even more complicated and time-consuming than they are already are!
Because that’s the kind of infused, confused, blended-with-ice food blogger I am.
Blended Mojitos Recipe
Put on The Girl from Ipanema.
Wash a bunch of mint leaves and about 4 limes.
Squeeze juice from (about) 4 limes to make ½ c. juice. Place the squozen limes with a handful (or half a bunch) or mint leaves in the bottom of a large glass container and muddle together to release "the essence." Add 1 c. rum (I totally blashphemed my mojitos and used vodka) to the limes and mint, stir, cover, and let stand at room temperature for about an hour.
Strain the infusion (the leaves will be dark green) into a blender. Add ¼ c. sugar (you can add more if you prefer your drinks sweeter), the lime juice, 1½ c. club soda, and enough ice to fill the blender.
Blend until slushy.
Pour into glasses, garnish with lime, and step out onto the veranda.