Delicious Dozen Gifts for the Butcher, the Baker, the Espresso Taker

From the return-to-glamour red lipstick on a perfectly practiced pout, the sultry sideswept bangs -- which you can’t see, but oh, believe me, the bangs, they are sideswept -- and the so-trashy-it’s-classy leopard print dress that are in my profile photo up there in the sidebar, one would think that I would translate the same kind of style to other parts of my life.

Glamorous! Flashy! Dramatic!

One would think. Oh yes. One might think.

Yet, if one were to think, one would be oh-so-very wrong.

Underneath all those layers of cheap drugstore makeup and the single layer of flimsy, limp hair that has been teased into the illusion of va-va-va-Vidal Sassoon volume, I am really just a simple girl. Nondescript. Plain. Uncomplicated.

What? Why you looking at me like that?

So I’m not really an uncomplicated girl...mentally. However, I do like very simple things, particularly when it comes to food. With the exception of firrhea-inducing salsa on nachos and hot cock on everything else, I don't abuse (much) condiments or dressings. I prefer tekka maki to any sort of overstuffed American Gladiator roll, nigiri sushi to tekka maki, and ultimately, I most enjoy the pure flavor experience of a single piece of raw, unadulterated flesh. Highly architected platings earn my artistic appreciation, but they quietly annoy me. Even unassuming burgers and sandwiches have to be broken down into their component parts before I can understand them. I like to understand a burger.

Simplicity also takes shape in my own kitchen. My countertop isn't crowded with appliances; my drawers don't overflow with singly-focused gadgets. I am of the firm belief that the best equipment in the kitchen are the basics. Besides foods like waffles and pureed soups that are by their very nature a product of specific implements, there are few things that can't be done with a murderously sharp knife, a solid cutting board, and perhaps a heavy sauce pan. I'm quite sure that the Pilgrims didn't have salad spinners, wireless remote digital meat thermometers, and KitchenAid Stand Mixers at Plymouth Rock, and yet they turned out a dinner party that went down in history.

However, this is not to say that I disrespect cooks who believe in better cooking through circuitry. Nor can I , in good conscience, say that I don't flip through the glossy flossy pages of Williams-Sonoma and Sur La Table catalogs with wide eyes, nor surf the kitchenwebs wondering how awesome espresso would taste out of my very own $1,300 Porsche Nespresso Machine. There is a difference, though, between "need" and "want." We don't need any of these things. We just want them and it is during the Holidays when lust lets need and want jump into bed together. It goes without saying (but look! I'm saying!) that *want* ends up on top -- limp, listless, heaving, and exhausted.

At least, that's how I feel after, you know, Christmas shopping.

So here's the Delicious Dozen Holiday Gifts that Nobody Needs, but Everyone Wants...

Espresso Yourself: For $900, you could buy yourself a plane ticket to Italy and have an espresso on the veranda of a charming cafe that overlooks the Mediterranean. For that exact same $900, you could buy the FrancisFrancis X1 Trio Espresso Machine and have espresso in your tiny, dark apartment with a postage stamp-sized window that looks into the neighboring building's garage. It's up to you, but I think the choice is clear.

Waffle Iron Chef: The Heart-Shaped Waffle Iron by Cuisinart isn't so much a luxury gift for the price as it is for the experience. Waffles for breakfast are impressive, and for some reason, their being heart-shaped screams "breakfast bed!" Of course, some of us would rather not stain our sheets with maple syrup, but that's beside the point.

Off on a Weekend Blender: The message is "health" via fresh blended fruits and vegetables, but really, what VitaMix is really telling us is that Frozen Blended Mojitos are full of antioxidants.

Toaster with the Most-er: When the morning is a race, Bugatti will go from zero to golden brown in however long it takes for the Bugatti Volo to make toast. Actually, who really cares how fast the thing can toast bread? Sometimes you just pay for the view.

Take it Slow: As tempted as I was to put the Hello Kitty Crock Pot on this list for how pretty it is, I was forced to put Kitty in the corner. Rival's Slow Cooker is not only bigger with a six quart capacity, it's smarter, and if there's one thing TheDelicious can appreciate, it's the choice of brains over beauty.

Panini Grills Gone Wild: Since you don't look like Govind Armstrong, you'll have to rely on the Breville Indoor Grill to make grilled cheese sandwiches that make girls cry.

Fire and Rice: The Mitsubishi NJ-WS10 IH Rice Cooker has that rare, deadly combination of both beauty and brains. At over $1,000, that 100% carbon inner pot sure looks a lot prettier than a tiny Japanese elephant, doesn't it?

Blade Runner: For $315, you could probably get a full set of knives, in a knife block, 8 steak knives, and hell, a Showtime rotisserie thrown in on the side. But all together, they won't even come close to being as good as a single Shun.

Heavy Metal: The Pink Princess and I have been together now for over a year and we are committed for life. Unless of course, some hot pair of attachments in a shiny custom metallic brushed nickel machine came roaring my way.

Ice, Ice Baby: Pinkberry and Cantaloop ain't got nothing on the Musso Lussino Frozen Dessert Maker. Then again, $700 could buy you a lot of Pinkberry. But you have to park and wait in line.

Only in My Reams: In some obscenely punishing way, it's gorgeous. Is it some medieval torture tool? You could probably justify using it that way. Or you can use Art & Cook's Citrus Reamer to juice limes for your next margarita.

Pop and Lock: At one time, you could make popcorn in the microwave, but now microwave popcorn causes cancer or some other awful disease. Cancer is a bummer. Use the Whirley Pop on the stovetop and save yourself the chemo.

** a year ago today, the delicious life was dormant **
** two years ago today, gridksipper nominated me for an urban blogging award (i didn't end up winning) **

tags :: food : and drink : shopping : gifts : reviews : los angeles