Holy Matrimoly, it's Wedding Week! no. 4
Come over, she invited us.
We’ll have dinner, she offered sweetly.
And when we got there, she put our perfectly persimmon flight crew of Martha Stewart-esses to work, long into the red-eye. Tying tiny chiffon bows, counting out jelly beans, and twisting together miniature papier-mache roses. Dinner, my tangerine ass.
annoyingly adorable jar of jelly bellies
Just days before The Big Day, and we bridesmaids were making the wedding reception favors and ceremony programs. And where are all the groomsmen?! What are they doing?! Getting their beauty sleep, still recovering. *sigh* Sometimes it sucks being a girl.
What would be most appropriate for us for dinner just days before we all have to shake, shimmy, and squeeze our overgrown muffin tops into those dresses? Make sure there’s nothing fattening. We don’t want anything too rich or heavy. High sodium will make our faces puff up like fugu and shrink our almond-shaped eyes into sesame seeds. Too much fiber will give us enough gas to fuel the Goodyear blimp. If I have to eat one more block of tofu...Well, alrighty then, salad it is
pristine papier mache roses
But I must have missed the point. I guess I forgot salad. The chiffon ribbon had tangled my sensibilities and the army of itty bitty roses had beaten me down. In these wee morning hours, I surrendered to the battle of the bridesmaid's bulge. My tiny apartment-garden-sized portion of greens was now drowning in sticky sweet, deliciously oily citrus vinaigrette. Lettuce stew. I added blue cheese. I added Feta (because you know, Feta is lower in fat). I added walnuts, and oh! are those sliced almonds? And while we’re at it, let’s just toss in some bacon bits, but just a few, since bacon is fattening. Vegetables? What are those? Tomatoes and corn have sugar calories. Forget it. Now this is a healthy salad. I think I can feel myself just wasting away to Lohan as we eat. LOL!
Somewhere, sometime, someone mentioned “cupcake.” Her head jerked up, fingers holding chiffon in mid-tie, and eyes all lit up like the Tin Man had just walked through the security booth at LAX. Someone has cupcakes?! Thank god, no. Otherwise all of us would have blown our salads with three enormous fudgy, frosted bites. I popped a Jelly Belly instead. Fat free and only four calories each. Yay.
I’m never eating another f**king fat-free four-calorie Jelly Belly again.
tags :: food : and drink : wedding : candy : los angeles
e d b m says
sarah, in addition to your canon SD500, do you have special lighting? haha. i enjoy looking at your photos.
e d b m says
sarah, in addition to your canon SD500, do you have special lighting? haha. i enjoy looking at your photos.
sarah says
hey dylan! no special lighting at all. i just haul my desk lamp over to the kitchen table every once in a while ;)
Sam says
you only had one jelly bean?!
sarah says
hahaha! no, i actually had quite a few jelly beans (after that "salad"). too many. fat free and four calories doesn't count when you eat 3 pounds of them! LOL!
Robert Konigsberg says
> I’m never eating another f**king fat-free four-calorie Jelly Belly again.
Amen. Eat them by the sixty-calorie fifteen-handful. :)
Anonymous says
"I think I can feel myself just wasting away to Lohan as we eat."
Now THAT is pretty funny, Miss Sarah!
sarah says
robert: honestly, after filling 450 jars, half of them with sour orange and half of them with peach, i really don't want to eat another jelly belly. nope, not a single one. LOL!
but i'd love to have another salad of bacon, cheese, nuts, and dressing, with a few pieces of lettuce for garnish.
Anonymous says
Eh. People shouldn't eat salad just to watch what they're eating. They should enjoy salad with all variety of ingredients, just like any other dish. And like other foods, there can be lighter versions, or not-so-light versions.
kitchenmage says
I'm loving the feta because it's got fewer calories. When I was in high school, we'd go to Denny's (the only place in town open past 10) and get hot fudge sundaes without cherries because they were soaked in sugar. :-)
sarah says
kitchenmage: isn't our logic so...um, logical? LOL!
just like the "diet" coke with big mac and large fries. LOL!
hermz says
When I flew in for my sister's wedding, within minutes they had me writing the names on the wedding party gifts, since I was the one who could do calligraphy.
sarah says
your toddness, you never cease to amaze me with all your secret skillz!