Come over, she invited us.
We’ll have dinner, she offered sweetly.
And when we got there, she put our perfectly persimmon flight crew of Martha Stewart-esses to work, long into the red-eye. Tying tiny chiffon bows, counting out jelly beans, and twisting together miniature papier-mache roses. Dinner, my tangerine ass.
Just days before The Big Day, and we bridesmaids were making the wedding reception favors and ceremony programs. And where are all the groomsmen?! What are they doing?! Getting their beauty sleep, still recovering. *sigh* Sometimes it sucks being a girl.
What would be most appropriate for us for dinner just days before we all have to shake, shimmy, and squeeze our overgrown muffin tops into those dresses? Make sure there’s nothing fattening. We don’t want anything too rich or heavy. High sodium will make our faces puff up like fugu and shrink our almond-shaped eyes into sesame seeds. Too much fiber will give us enough gas to fuel the Goodyear blimp. If I have to eat one more block of tofu...Well, alrighty then, salad it is
But I must have missed the point. I guess I forgot salad. The chiffon ribbon had tangled my sensibilities and the army of itty bitty roses had beaten me down. In these wee morning hours, I surrendered to the battle of the bridesmaid's bulge. My tiny apartment-garden-sized portion of greens was now drowning in sticky sweet, deliciously oily citrus vinaigrette. Lettuce stew. I added blue cheese. I added Feta (because you know, Feta is lower in fat). I added walnuts, and oh! are those sliced almonds? And while we’re at it, let’s just toss in some bacon bits, but just a few, since bacon is fattening. Vegetables? What are those? Tomatoes and corn have sugar calories. Forget it. Now this is a healthy salad. I think I can feel myself just wasting away to Lohan as we eat. LOL!
Somewhere, sometime, someone mentioned “cupcake.” Her head jerked up, fingers holding chiffon in mid-tie, and eyes all lit up like the Tin Man had just walked through the security booth at LAX. Someone has cupcakes?! Thank god, no. Otherwise all of us would have blown our salads with three enormous fudgy, frosted bites. I popped a Jelly Belly instead. Fat free and only four calories each. Yay.
I’m never eating another f**king fat-free four-calorie Jelly Belly again.