If you do, your adorable 5-cup food processor will bust an Optimus Prime and transform itself from an innocuous Cuisinart into a "does-not-compute" Decepticon, spewing dark, dirty coffee bean shrapnel out of the little "feed tube" on the plastic top that is now a mega-cannon. Your kitchen counter will be nothing but the gruesome aftermath of a frenzied battle between a red-eyed, caffeine-starved kamikaze humanoid and heartless machine, littered with complete and utter coffee bean carnage.
You see, grinding coffee beans in a Cuisinart results in Peet's wildly unpopular Mourning Blend - a motley brew of dejected whole beans, beans sadly chopped only in half, and a light coffee dust that is akin to something you'd cut into lines with your now-useless pink Coffee Bean card and snort. (Yeah, for two seconds, I thought about it). If you're a purist, you'd never brew such ungodly excrement from a Cuisinart. Of course, if you're a purist, you'd own your own damned Braun coffee mill, so never mind.
But I'm not a purist. I'm a caffeine-deprived addict. Addicts lose all sense of reality when they're fiending. Like a nappy-haired homeless freak muttering to her other self and rummaging through the trashcan next to the bus stop for an unfinished burrito, I picked over the debris left behind in the bowl of the fatally wounded Optimus Prime, mumbling something about "never giving in to the Evil Starbucks Empire," and brewed the deep, dark-roasted detritus. It was morning, so yes, I had nappy hair, too.
The coffee tasted like...probably what that unfinished burrito in the trashcan tastes like. I threw it out. Even an addict knows the difference between crack and rock salt.
According to the legends, Optimus Prime passed on to the great Autobot parking lot in the sky in 2005, but my Cuisinart is still in critical condition in the Burn Unit of the ER for a motor that overheated to the point of reeking like gourmet napalm. And I had to surrender. I went to the market and bought a ridiculously over-priced bag of ground coffee.
But it wasn't Starbucks, so take that!
*sigh* Peace in the Delicious universe has been restored. But only...until the next episode.