6:05 am – Drag self out of bed after wake-up call from overly excited sister. Stumble in the dark to the kitchen and start brewing Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee, cursing all things perky, even my G*dd*mn perky-ass perkerrific perfectly percolating coffee maker.
7:15 am – Pick up bride. There is a small suitcase wedged between me and the car door, beginning to cut off circulation to my lower extremities on the right side. Why do you have a suitcase?!?! That’s my make-up bag, she smiles back. Oooo. K. I was rolling my eyes, but no one could see because I was buried under two very fluffy petticoats. Are we getting breakfast? I could really use a Sausage McMu... As we careen past the golden arches, curses again.
8:00 am – Arrive at salon. The ceremony is at 4:30 in the afternoon. Remind me again why we are at the salon SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS EARLY?!?! Another cup of coffee provided by the salon. Mm, tastes like wood. By the time we leave, I’ll have had three and half cups of wooden coffee. I feel like a termite. A termite in velcro rollers.
12:45 pm – Quizno’s for lunch, hand-delivered to salon all the way from Brentwood by James. Hm, maybe a husband isn’t a bad idea after all. Then again, it is Quizno’s. Guys, I swear. LOL! I think I had some salad, but they told me not to ruin my lipgloss.
2:00 pm – Pile into cars, dressed in flip flops, faded sweats, and ratty tank tops...but with million dollar hair and makeup, baby! I need a Red Bull. Wait, I hate Red Bull. Never mind, give me a Diet Coke.
3:30 pm – I haven’t eaten all day, so why the hell isn’t the zipper just sliding right up on this gorgeous dress?! Does someone have WD-40? Tug, pull, squeeze, shimmy, and yes! It’s on. But I can’t breathe. That’s okay. Oxygen is overrated, and maybe being lightheaded will make this all a little more bearable. Can I have something to drink? The church provides coffee that tastes amazingly just like the salon's coffee. Wood.
4:00 pm – Jess washes down a banana with a can of Sprite in the last half hour before there’s no turning back. Mom, in her dusty pink Mother-of-the-Bride outfit, waves a few slices of extra lean ham before Jess’s face. Extra lean ham. Your Mom brings you a Quaker Chewy granola bar. My Mom brings extra lean ham. Have I mentioned that I love this woman?
6:00 pm – It’s the cocktail hour for the guests, but tuxes and tangerine are running around the links with the photographer to catch the final colors of the California sunset. Good thing I pounded that Citron/soda, otherwise, it’d be really cold out there on the tenth tee.
7:00 pm – I swore them off, I really did, but sour orange jelly bellies sure taste good with a champagne chaser.
7:30 pm – There are plates. Salad first, then Filet O’ Fish, which was, actually, “Filet? or Fish?” but I think I was bitter from no breakfast. Forget it. Open bar.
9:30 pm – Wedding cake, frosting only.
11:30 pm – Chauffeuring the newlyweds back to their happy little home. "We didn't get to eat! How was the food?" they asked. I don’t know, I didn’t eat either. 24 hour McDonald’s in Century City. As Mr. and Mrs, their first meal is...Filet O’ Fish and large fries, with a leftover bottle of Champagne rescued from the caterer.